


We Lost All Hope

by fluffylittlewings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angelic Grace, Dying Castiel, Fluff and Smut, Healing, M/M, Rehabilitation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-06 21:38:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4237566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffylittlewings/pseuds/fluffylittlewings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the angels have fell, Dean and Sam find Castiel in the middle of a forest, broken…and dying. With all hope lost and the angels grace fading dimmer every day, Dean must prove to the angel that life is worth living, and that he might just find a little hope too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fallen

**Author's Note:**

> For the purpose of this story, I decided to keep Sam fit and well (YEY), because I really wanted to focus on the relationship between the boys and the angel.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The angel's have fallen, and Cas calls up the only friends he knows.

“It’s raining angels” Dean murmured, watching as the balls of light plummeted from the sky.

“Hallelujah” Sam whispered.

The sky grew cloudy and dark, as if heaven had truly fallen and the earth lost the light in the sky. It had all gone so horribly wrong, they were so focused on closing hell that they seemed to forget just how bad heaven was failing. And now it was too late, angels falling to the ground in the hundreds, and all they could do was watch.

“I don’t know how we’re gonna fix this one Sammy”

Maybe it was a little inappropriate giving the circumstance, but Sam giggled anyway, because this wasn't your average vampire of witch, this was some serious shit they were in.

Dean stood, watching the clouds roll in at a speed he’d never seen before, until a vibration tore his eyes from the sky and down to his phone.

_Incoming Call Castiel_

Dean took a quick look down at his brother, who was slumped down beside the Impala door, worry and grief stitched into his face.

“Cas. You okay?” He waited for a reply, each second of silence filling the dread and sickness turning in his gut.

“Dean. You need-“ His voice sounded weak, faded, broken at the edges.

“Cas?” But the line cut off, and Dean could feel his breaths becoming quicker and frantic, scratching at his denim jeans and snatching the car keys from his back pocket.

“Is your laptop in the car Sam?”

“Yeah why? Is Cas okay?”

Sam pulled himself up, waiting for the reply that didn't come. Instead he watched his brother climb into the driver’s seat and open up the laptop, and that's all that Sam needed to know that it wasn't a great sign.

*****

Cas didn't think he could feel so much pain. Every part of his body burned, but he knew his skin was intact. He could feel his body shiver and goose bumps climb up his arms and through his skin. He tried to open his eyes, establish where he was; but his ears rang and thumped, and his head spun in light circles that left his vision hazy and blurred.

He was cold, and hot all at once, and he couldn't move his body. It was as if he was trapped in his own mind, his brain kicking and screaming to move, to establish surrounding, to find out what had happened. He chest stung and throbbed with every breath, as if being stabbed by knives. He couldn't establish one part of him that didn't throb, didn't ache and tighten around him. He felt like he was being crushed by his own weight.

But no matter how hard he tried, he remained collapsed on the ground. The only slight indication of where he was coming from the soft, wet feeling of grass and soil pressed against his cheek; and the sweet smell of pine tickling his nose.

Time passed slowly, and he could swear had been laying there for hours now; his mind pushing and willing his body to move, but he remained still, and soon he began to accept that this was it.

He thought about Anna. And Gabriel. And Balthazar. Hell he even thought about Lucifer. Because they were all family, and he’d let them down.

Maybe this was his punishment, to die alone, cold and forgotten. Because this was his fault and it was time he felt the pain and suffering he caused so many others. In time his mind quietened, the will to stand and live slowly fading into a calm and sweet acceptance of death.

And he welcomed it. Because that’s what he deserves.

*****

Dean never sped so fast in his life.

He had no real direction, no real location. Just the roar of the engine and the hope that he was going to the right place.

“Can you track Cas’ phone?”

Sam looked up, laptop sitting un-opened in his lap. “Dean?”

“We need to track him Sam. If I call him can you get his exact location?”

Sam fumbled open his laptop.

"Is he okay?"

"Sammy!" Dean snapped.

“Yeah go ahead”

The phone rang, each second leaving the boys hearts beating faster, and the panic in Dean’s breath start to hitch.

“Come on Cas!” Dean growled.

The phone answered, with nothing but silence on the other end.

“Cas?”

Silence.

“Cas are you there? Cas we need-“

“Dean?”

Dean didn't realise he was holding his breath until he relaxed under his voice.

Although it was weak and almost silent, it was still a voice.

“Don’t put the phone down okay. We’re coming to get you just hold on”

Dean stepped harder on the gas, in some feeble attempt to track him down faster.

“Just stay with us- Sam you got him?”

“Got him!” Sam jumped “He’s…he’s in a forest. Keep heading down this road”

*****

He could feel his chest against the ground, rising and falling slower with each breath he took, the pain spiking through his ribs.

If he had the energy he could almost smile, because this was his time, this was his own silent way of passing. It was kind in a way he thought, after everything he did he should be given one final silence, one final chance to truly accept his fate.

He felt his eyes close, slowly yet sweetly all at once. Because he was home.

He felt the weight of the ground drop beneath him, and his eyes roll to the back of his head, the smell of pine and fresh air replaced with cinnamon and leather. The cold that itched his skin rubbed against warm cotton fabric, but the pain was so intense, so agonising; that the last thing he felt was the ground be replaced by leather seats, and the sound of a familiar voice calling his name before his mind turned to black.


	2. Broken Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam manage to find a safe place to call home for now. But Castiel is in a bad place.

Dean could feel his heart trying to break through his chest, his mind’s eye scanning all the roads and highways he knew, trying to find somewhere to go, somewhere safe, because he knew the angel wouldn't make it for very much longer.

Sam had took shotgun, glancing back at Cas passed out on the back seat. He was pale. Very pale. And he could see the sweat glistening on his forehead, but his entire body shivered.  
Then he glanced at his brother, and he couldn't tell who looked worse.

“You think Bobby will let us use his Cabin, the one about 3 miles south of here?”

“Really Dean? It’s in the middle of nowhere, don't you not think we should take him to a hospital?”

Cas hissed as Dean took a corner a little too fast.

“Yeah how well will that go? ‘Excuse me Mr. Doctor, this guy here in an angel and he fell from heaven and now he needs what? Huh Sammy? What is the cure for a fallen angel because I'm running out of ideas here?”

Sam sat and looked at his brother speechless. He wanted to snap back, be the one to have the last sarcastic word and explain that this isn't his fault either. But Dean’s face was riddled with panic and guilt, his eyes scanning every inch of the road in front of him, as if solving some amazing equation. So he kept his mouth shut and looked out to the window.

Dean scrolled down the small list of contacts in his phone, until the name ‘Bobby Singer’ was highlighted, and he pressed the call button.

“Why do I feel like this is gonna cost me?” Came a familiar, warm, slightly drunk voice.

Dean cocked a little smile.

“Bobby, we need your south pine cabin, Cas is In a pretty bad way and we -we need somewhere to hold up, just for a while.”

He could hear a bottle of whiskey being tipped into his mouth, Bobby’s way of saying that he probably shouldn't but he’s going to say yes anyway.

“Anything I can do?”

A blanket of calm settled over Dean, not completely gone, but softened nonetheless.

“No we've got this. Thanks Bobby”

Dean hung up without waiting for an answer, because he could deal with Bobby and his questions later.

By the time they reached the cabin, and found the spare key on top of the door frame, Cas was still unconscious; his breathing delayed and strained.  
They lay him down in one of the single rooms, Dean trying so softly to place him down from in his arms. But it seems that if Castiel so much as moved, he would cry out and wince.

The boys knew they were out of their depths with this one. The old dusty cabin with is log walls and bare furnishing remained silent, Sam perched on the edge of the faded brown leather sofa, and Dean stood in front of the rusty iron sink on the opposite side, staring out the window into the forest of thick pine trees.

 On the bright side Cas was with them, he was safe and in a warm bed. But how would they nurse a fallen angel. Dean wished that Cas would just wake up, just for a moment so he could ask all the questions he needed to ask. As he paced the cabin, he would slowly pass the doorway into the room, checking to make sure there was still a rise and fall in the angel’s chest.

“You should get some sleep, I’ll keep watch on him” Sam finally broke the silence, as Dean paced back to look out of the kitchen window, as if all the answers were out there.

He watched as his brother paced back over to the door, stopping to lean and peek into the room.

“Do you know what to do?” He asked. Not as a question really, mostly a defeated statement.

“No” Sam replied bluntly “But Dean worrying isn't going to fix anything. I think we should just wait it out until he’s awake”

Dean stopped and looked at his little brother, purple and red seeping under his eyes.

“Fine, but I'm taking the sofa. I need to watch both of you two”

Sam didn't protest, because if it made his brother feel a little more in control then he actually was, he’d take it.

The boys fell asleep slowly that night, Dean lighting the log fire to try and fight off some of the bitter cold filling up in the cabin air. Sam found some dusty but mostly together blankets in the set of draws in the other single room. It was silent, the only real sign of life being the variety of birds chirping on well into the early morning, when Dean finally managed to fall into a ridged sleep.

*****

 Castiel thought of bees, how they flew so freely, and how every flower they landed on, it was making the world a better place; creating life. He wondered if they knew how much everyone needed them, how their colours were so distinct and bright that they would shine from the flowers.

He thought about heaven, the crowds of angels filling offices and corridors, not really making conversation; just decisions. He wondered if they knew what they were doing for the world, how those that claimed to be so righteous and great would be nothing without them.

If they didn't, Cas thought they’d probably realise soon.

He wanted to cry. He had never cried before but he was willing the tears to flow from his eyes and for his voice to scream so loud it hurt. He wanted to look it to the skies and call out his god, because where was he?

But he couldn't will himself to move. Instead colours flickered into his vision, the black was replaced by dusty logs and a faded orange glow on the wall beside him. His chest ached and protested with each breath, and for a brief moment he though this must be his cell in hell; the fire roaring from the pits of souls.

But that familiar snore and the smell of dust and damp set his mind at ease. His boys had found him, he was going to be okay.

For the first time, he felt his eyes drop closed, and even though pain tore through him like daggers clawing each muscle, each cell of him apart; he drifted off to only dreams of darkness.

 *****

Morning came early for Dean. The sun was just peeking through the trees when he began searching the cupboards for a kettle, some whiskey; anything to wake him up. But he came up short.

Instead he shuffled to the angel’s bedroom, the butterflies and doubt seeping into him that he might be greeted by a corpse. But his muscles relaxed under him and the sheets rose and dipped back down again with each breath.

He took a seat at the edge of the mattress, peering over to properly examine the angels face.

He was still pale, and his eyes were marked with pinks and reds, as If the years of never sleeping finally caught up with him. His lips were cracked and dry, and his thick darkened curls clung to his forehead with the sweat that still prickled on his skin.

He didn't even stop his fingers from softly brushing the hair from his face, caressing him as if one touch could make all the pain float away. He wished he could take the pain away, take all his burdens and conceal them within himself, because he couldn't bear to see the angel like this.

“Dean”

He didn't even realise the glassy, faded blue eyes staring up at him, and he quickly placed his fingers on his lap. All the questions he had, all the things he needed to say were suddenly lost in the moment, a wave of relief washing it all away, because he was okay.

“Hey sleeping beauty. How you feeling?”

Cas’ eyes turned to a look of shame and embarrassment.

“Where are we” He choked, his throat tight and dry.

“Bobby’s cabin, here let me get you some water”

Before Cas could protest Dean was at the sink. The pipes clucked and groaned as if they hadn't been used in years, and suddenly a new form of worry settled in the bottom of Dean’s gut.


	3. Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to get Castiel to move. To talk. But something is buried inside of the angel that Dean can't get him to say.

The days passed slowly, the sun beaming down through the trees and the hot air leaving the cabin humid and un-breathable.

On Tuesday, the day after their arrival, Sam headed into town and bought supplies. Food, shampoo, first aid bandages and painkillers; he even splashed out on an old TV he’d saw at a charity store. Dean wanted to kiss him, up until then the evening was spent talking to Sam about the old days, about childhood memories before Sam was born. It was all getting a little too sappy for him and a TV would mean he would have other things to keep him entertained.

Castiel remained in his bed, either sleeping or staring aimlessly at the ceiling, as if in some deep trail of thought. He didn’t eat much, or drink; hell Dean didn’t even think the guy slept much. Just lay there in silence.

Whenever the brothers tried to talk to him, he would only respond with a simple one word answer, or if the question became too personal he would simply turn away. The only time Dean forced him to cooperate was to clean his wounds and scrapes.

Luckily he wasn’t as bad as Dean had prepared himself for, a few open gashes on his side and chest, which he had to stitch up with Bobby’s emergency supplies he found in the bathroom. Now that Cas’ body had time to rest, large bruises covered most of his body, a colourful blend of blues and purples. He complained that he had a fever, but Sam suggested that the cold sweats were merely shock and stress, this was the first time the angel felt this raw, this exposed.

On the Wednesday Sam slumped into the forest, axe in hand; the cold nights had made their supply of firewood dangerously low. Dean tried to coax Cas with some pie, a burger, anything. But the angel politely declined and turned away. So Dean joined his brother out in the hot humid air, because he was becoming tired with Cas’ replies.

By the Thursday Deans stomach churned and summersaulted with worry. Three days and all the angel managed was half a ham sandwich and three small whisky glasses of water. The guy was making himself worse.

Dean managed to occupy himself through most of the day, ringing up Bobby and finally explaining what happened. Just turning on his mobile phone led way to a tonne of calls from other hunters about the angels. He didn’t know what to say, he could barely handle the angel he had and now he was expected to deal with hundreds. He tried to say the best things he could, making it clear that the worst thing to do would be to kill them. But that always lead to a goodbye, because he couldn’t say anything else.

As day crossed over to afternoon, the sun beaming down and warming the air to high temperatures, Sam decided he had to head into town to buy a fair few fans for the cabin, even though town was a good hours drive away.

“Get him up” Sam and told him before leaving “If you don’t get him up he’s going to sleep himself to death”

He tried to creep into the angel’s room, just in case he was sleeping. But the angel lay very much awake, staring up to the ceiling as if he wasn’t trying to hide it anymore.

“Hey Cas, mind if I check you over?”

There was no reply, not even a look Dean’s way. But he complied and sat up, tugging the t-shirt Dean had lent him over his head.

There were still bruises, and grazes and cuts covered his back and sides, but he was looking okay giving the circumstances.  Dean soothed his hand over every inch of skin, and he swore he could feel Cas relax a little under his touch.

“Your healing pretty well, seems that angel grace of yours is doing its job” He smiled.

Instantly every muscles in Cas’ body tensed, and before Dean could blink he was throwing his shoulders back and the t-shirt covered his skin.

It left the hunter confused, watching as the angel went to his usual routine of turning his back to him and pretending to sleep. It made a hint of anger spark in his chest, because he could never have done this. He always had to be there to fix things instead of hiding away, and he wasn’t going to let Cas get away with it either.

“No. You need to get up”

Cas shuffled deeper into the covers.

“Your legs are fine. Come on”

The angel turned his head to look straight into Dean’s eyes, begging him to not make him do this just by a single look. But Dean wouldn’t stand for it.

“No. Your legs are fine, you need to start walking about it you want to get better”

*****

He knew he was only trying to do well, but if Castiel’s last wish was to never leave this bed again, he would think it would be a wish well spent. Even the thought of leaving his bubble of safe and warmth left his mouth dry and his heart race.

A whispered plea was all he could manage. “Please- I don’t want to Dean”

“Yeah, and I don’t want to shower most days but here we are. Now you can either can make this easy for the both of us or I can drag you out and trust me, that’s gonna hurt”

He stood and waited, Cas still lying ridged, his breath quickening; and it made Deans eyebrows furrow.

The angel could feel his mind begin to muster up images of the worst scenarios if he walked out that door. The thought of even venturing to the sitting room exhausted him, emotionally and physically, but it didn’t seem like he had much of a choice.

He sat up, his body shivering under Dean’s glare. His feet touched the cold wood floor and his whole body jerked at the change in temperature. As he tried to stand Dean was with him, hand wrapped round his back so he could take some of his weight.

“That’s it. Just make it to the sofa, I think you’ll benefit from the fire and a little TV”

He led the angel out the door way, each step a heavy shuffle as his legs tried not to buckle.

Cas took in the surrounding, the dining table to his left, and the small neglected kitchen just up from it. The sitting room wasn’t really a sitting room, just a sofa and a TV hovered round a large open fire to the right. Blankets sprawled along the sofa from where Dean slept, and the thought of wrapping himself up in them and disappearing into nothing made him spur on a little more.

“Where-“He winced as Dean sat him onto the couch “Where is Sam?”

 “Just in town, shouldn’t be too long now”

Castiel didn’t really hear the reply, he was too focused on the soft fabric that greeted his fingertips as he brushed over the blankets he sat on. His mind called out for them, to swallow him up in warmth and comfort, but he couldn’t, because Dean was at the kitchen pouring him some water.

“Here” Dean offered up the glass, but Cas merely took a quick glance and turned his attention back to the blankets.

“Look I know you don’t like it, but there isn’t a choice here” Dean pushed the glass further towards the angels face.

The taste made him gag a little, but he loved the wet feeling flow down his throat and make the tightness fade away; and it made it less painful to talk.

“Thank you Dean”

He placed the glass on the old oak coffee table and Dean joined him on the sofa.

“So Cas” He shifted uncomfortably “Why are you needing to eat, and drink? Surely with all your angel mojo you should have healed by now?”

The question made Castiel’s whole body ridged, and if it didn’t pain him he would have run back to his room and never come out. He wanted to scream at Dean for asking such a question, but it wasn’t his fault. And he needed to know.

“Metatron took my grace…” It was one of the hardest things he ever had to say.

Dean sat speechless, does that- does that mean?

“So…you’re human?”

*****

The way he watched Cas move uncomfortably and clutch onto the blankets like a safety net. He knew the answer without needing to hear the words.

So he did what any brotherly instinct would tell him to do, try to make it positive “Well, you can finally appreciate homemade burgers, and cotton candy” He smiled, but the effort went un-noticed.

“Please may I go back to bed? I feel tired” He still wouldn’t meet Dean’s eye.

“Stay for an episode of TV at least. If you don’t want to talk that’s fine, but stay-please?”

*****

Cas was defeated, exhausted, but he looked at the Winchester and fought a brief smile.  Dean covered him in blankets, and it soothed the angel to a content degree. They watched an episode of some old crime scene drama, both of them not really paying much attention, until Sam came back with about 3 different fans.

Dean go up to help his brother, and when he turned around he just caught Cas shuffling back into his room. Back to where it was safe.


	4. This Is It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Cas for a walk up to what feels like the edge of the world, and Dean get's the kick he's not willing to accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating Friday or Monday (I don't update on weekends) but I really wanted to think where I was taking this. I'm really exited to write what's coming up! Thanks! :D

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him Sammy, the guys a mess”

Dean placed his face between him palms.

It was Saturday, and even though Cas was starting to become a little more comfortable venturing out to the sofa, he didn’t join in the laughs when the cop made some cheesy cliché line that made them cringe. He didn’t even take his first sip of alcohol when Dean offered him it.

“He just needs time” Sam tried to comfort.

“He seems to be getting worse every day Sammy, all he wants to do is stay in that damn room”

It was true, he was in there now, and it was well past midday.

“Then” Sam looked around for ideas “Then get him out the cabin, take a walk, give him some fresh air”

Dean liked that idea, truth be told he could do with some fresh air too. He felt bound to Castiel by responsibility, never leaving him alone so Sam was the only one to see the light beyond the cabin.

“Yeah, you wanna join?”

Sam smiled “No, you two need time alone”

Dean didn’t know what that meant, and he didn’t think he wanted too either.

He waited till about 7pm, just after they managed to get Cas to nibble at a few chunks of chicken stew, that way he would be awake and couldn’t turn his offer down.

He twiddled his thumbs under the table, not really quite knowing what to say to someone he knew so well. Cas sat opposite him, staring at the table as Sam took his plate over to the sink.

“So…Cas”

Surprisingly the angel looked up, the blue in his eyes still glassy and faded, and he coughed under into chest.

“Why don’t we take a walk, it’s still warm outside?” The butterflies rattled in his stomach, but he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

“No, come on” He rose from his chair, and he took Castiel by surprise “Were going. Now”

To his surprise the angel didn’t protest, just simply pushed himself up onto his shaky legs and shuffled over to Dean where he was waiting to take his arm.

The air was a cool punch of fresh for both of them, the trees climbing up to the clouds that surrounded them.

“God, I forgot what fresh air smelt like”

Dean tried to laugh and ease the tension between them, but it seemed Cas was too busy looking down at the ground.

Dean took them down a track, winding between trees and branches, and Cas could feel his energy draining and his chest tightening. Wild birds sung from the treetops, the forest seeming like a never ending vast of pine and cliff tops, not a car or building to be heard no matter how deep Dean took them in.

It would have been so easy to get lost, but they eventually turned a corner that opened out to a cliff top, the view of pine spreading right onto the horizon. The boys took in the scenery, the sun low enough in the sky to bounce off the waterfall that crashed below them into a small lake.

“Wow”

Dean turned, and for the first time all week could see the emotion in Cas’ pale, thinner face; eyes wide taking in the expanse of the view.

“Yeah, she’s quite something” Dean smiled, taking a seat against a boulder on the cliff edge.

“How did you know to come here?” Cas joined Deans side

“My dad used to come up here a lot with mom and me, I was so young I’m surprised I remembered it”

They sat in blissful silence for a while, watching the sun slowly sink towards the distant treetops, he didn’t know what Cas was thinking, but for a while Deans mind went quiet, listening to the crash of the waterfall.

“I suppose you didn’t bring me out here to watch the sun set”

Cas’ voice broke at the end’s, as if breaking the silence was hard, but he knew what this was.

“Look. I know your business is your business, but I godda know what’s going on with you, me and Sam can’t help you if you don’t tell us what’s going on”

He watched the angel stare into the sun, hands clutching to the fabric of his grey sweats, thinking of what to say next.

“When Metatron took my grace, it would seem he did not take it all, left a little in me before he made my family fall”

He didn’t seem angry, but the words defeated him, exhausted him.

“Well” Dean shuffled for something to say “That’s good, so you’re still an angel?”

Cas looked up to glare at Dean, and it ripped the hunters heart out and tore it into a thousand pieces. It was as if he had no hope, no will to be here, to have this talk, to even breathe.

“It was as if he left just the right amount to sit up in heaven and watch me fall all over again, it would have been a kindness to kill me right there in that chair”

He took back to staring out into the trees, and Dean’s heart skipped to an alarming rate, he had to fix this, think of something to say.

“But he didn’t, and now your with us, we can fix this Cas, you just need some time for that grace of yours to fix you up” He almost sounded desperate.

Cas chuckled, but not the humorous kind of chuckle, the chuckle his dad did when Dean begged him not to leave, the chuckle Sam did right before leaving for Harvard, and a blanket of dread fell over the hunter.

“My grace is fading, I’m no angel.” He took a long sigh and Dean followed his eyes as he watched the water down the fall, before looking back up right into his eyes. “I’m dying Dean. Soon my grace will fade and me with it… my final punishment”

He seemed relaxed, like he had accepted it a long time ago, and Dean felt anger building up inside him, he couldn’t do this to him, not now. He slid off the boulder to stand directly in front of the angel, his shadow highlighting the paleness of his skin, and his dry thin hair that lay dully on his head.

“You have to fight this, grace or not you can still fight to survive, because you need to fix your mess”

The harsh words didn’t seem to have an effect.

“What is the point of living Dean?” His words actually sounded genuine “I’ve watched over Earth for thousands of years, and I’ve seen the destruction, and the hate, there’s no place in this world for me anymore”

Dean could feel his heart beating out his chest, each breath painful and tight as Cas’ words stung its way through every muscle. He wanted to be sick, the angel he knew must have left with its grace, because this was not his angel. He had to think of something, something to say that would make it all okay; it was his job.

“Let me prove it to you” His breath hitched a little, but Cas cocked his head to the side a little, confused and with his full attention focused on the hunter.

“Let me prove that life is worth living, I’m going to make you fight”

“H-how?”

“You let me worry about that, for however long it takes before…you know, I’m going to prove you wrong, because I’m stubborn like that”

He smiled, even though inside he wanted to scream and kick. Cas’ look of lifelessness and misery didn’t change, but Dean still knew he had to try.

“Okay” Cas finally whispered. It followed by a deep dry cough, and Dean cringed, because now he knew what it meant.

Cas was dying.


	5. On top of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Cas up to the mountain he saw, and Cas can laugh for the first time.

“Okay, name everything you've wanted to do, it doesn't matter how stupid it sounds”

Dean sat on the brown leather sofa with pen and paper waiting, Cas sat beside him, blankets surrounding him while he shivered slightly. He waited patiently for the angel to rattle his brain, watching for some sign of idea or excitement, but Cas’ eyes were fixed to the floor.

“Come on, all these years on earth and you never fancied jumping from a plane, travelling somewhere...hell, getting laid?”

He got a brief look of despair and exhaustion before he lost it again, and he felt like he was going to explode with energy if it would only give the angel a little personality.

“Nothing?” He wined

“I was more of the observer, not the partaker” He mumbled.

Sam came out from his bedroom, a small brown leather book clutched in his hand.

“Good morning sleeping beauty” Dean teased.

“What are you two doing up so early, it’s not even technically morning” His brother laughed back.

“Were figuring out what to do”

Sam seemed to ponder on this a while, stirring the coffee he'd just poured slowly.  
“How are you feeling today Cas?”

He coughed under his breath, like he was ashamed of it “Tired”

Sam’s eyebrows furrowed “Why not just take a drive, no point wearing him out”

“You joining us?” Dean asked nodding.

“No” Sam laughed “Bobby just called me and needs me to find out some old folk law on a Will-O’-Wisp seen not too far from here”

“A Will-O’-What…actually I don’t want to know”

Dean leaped up and grabbed his car keys off the table “Come on then, the chariot awaits”

Every move Castiel made seemed to be painful, which Dean could understand, but it was more than that. It seemed like every movement was like he was walking to his death, like every time he stepped away from his blankets it broke him inside.

Dean didn't really have a destination, he’d seen a mountain about 20 minutes from where they were staying, he had no idea how to get there, but it was a direction. The radio played rock and pop and it didn't seem to fit the situation, so Dean tuned it off after ‘Happy’ by Bruno Mars played, it was like irony playing a joke on them. Cas sat in the passenger seat in silence, glancing out of the side window until the sun would peek through the mountains and shine into the car.

“How you feeling?”

Cas cocked his head at Dean, that puppy dog habit of saying he felt confused.

“I'm not talking about that, I mean how do you really feel?”

It took a moment of silence for Cas to think, and Dean didn't really expect an answer. They both sat in silence, watching the sky grow as Dean winded up small roads to the peak of the mountain. Once they found somewhere to park and made the small walk up to the top, Dean found a small rock right near the cliff edge to sit on.

The view stretched for miles, the forest of pines, then roads after that, then fields until you couldn't see any longer. There was a light breeze, but the air was warm and refreshing. Dean felt like he was in one of those movies. Beside Cas shook, at first slightly, but it suddenly became a violent shudder, and Dean placed his leather jacket around the angels shoulders.

“I still remember falling”

Dean took a seat beside him and looked out through the pine trees, he wasn't going to push Cas to say anything, he owed him that.

“I still remember…I fell from heaven, but I keep imagining what all my brothers and sisters must feel, everything they know is gone, and it’s all my fault”

Dean felt that feeling begin to fall over him, the feeling of butterflies and sickness and anger. The feeling that makes his throat dry and his hands shake and become restless.

“Well, I would say that Metatron dick had more to do with it then you” Dean laughed, but Cas seemed to twitch nervously at the mention of his name.

“You should have left me in that forest Dean, you should have left me to die for what I did”

Now came the second feeling, the feeling of anger and the overwhelming feeling of emotion that usually ended in a trashed room or a bloody nose.

“You can’t think like that, what you did was in your eyes for the better, but you can’t keep beating yourself up for it”

Cas sighed “Dean, we had this talk yesterday, I know what you think but I don’t see it that way”

Before he even realised he was there, Cas’ face loomed in front of his, hands clasping the angels shoulders a little too hard, and they felt bonier than before.

“Listen Cas, I need you to listen. Please”

Dull blue met him with the same empathetic but defeated look.

“I'm going to help you, but I need you to try too, this isn't a one man thing.”

“Dean I- I can’t” His words cracked.

But Deans hold only tightened “If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for me”

The silence lingered between them, and Cas softened under Deans grip, and something settled in Dean too.

“Okay”

Dean swore Cas smiled. He took himself away from the angel to glance up at the clouds, taking in a lung full of air as if it would take all of his problems away.

“Have you ever stopped to look at the clouds?” Cas asked.

“Not since I was a kid”

“I used to see children do it in the playground, and I never understood their meaning until now”

Dean looked round and Cas pointed up to a cloud in the sky “That one looks like a rabbit”

The feeling of calm set over the feelings rattling inside him, they weren't gone, but they began to settle.

“No you need to think deeper than that” Dean smiled, taking his seat back at the angel’s side. “You see that one”

Cas nodded.

“That one looks like a girl dancing with a giant cow with a top hat on”

Cas’ eyes scanned the sky “That small one there, that looks like a dolphin running”

They both burst into laughter.

“Why didn't god create dolphins with legs, imagine how that would look”

Cas giggled hard, until he had to stop and look away to cough.

“Maybe my father needed to be more imaginative” He smiled.

Dean took a moment to take in the moment, the sun beating down on them and no noise to be heard but their own voices. They were on top of the world.

“Dean look” Cas pointed “It looks like a man trying to steal fruit from an oddly shaped tree”

“Oww he should have learned from the first girl who tried to do that”

Dean laughed, and Cas giggled until he was coughing up his lungs. They couldn't quite recall how long they spent there, on the top of their world.


	6. Be Spontaneous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys decide that a good night out is what they need, but as Sam leaves to help Bobby with the Willow-O'-Whisp, Dean and Cas find themselves in a passionate situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene contains contains kissing and consensual constraint.

The bar stunk of cheap bear and smoke, all the scents Dean had solely missed. It wasn’t packed for a Friday night, but people were scattered around the place in their small groups, or humped around the bar drinking down their sorrows.

It had been itching at Dean to get somewhere familiar, even though Cas had protested he was to exhausted. Yesterday they tried baking pies, and Cas almost set the completely wooden cabin on fire (Dean should have seen it coming). But they all gathered round for Dean’s famous apple pie at supper. The day before they took a trip into town and took Cas on an all-out spending spree, which was why he looked so handsome in the tight fitted blue shirt and black pants he was wearing tonight, and Dean found himself having to look away a few times.

Dean pushed himself up from the table “So, what we having for drinks?”

“Erm just a water for me” Sam replied.

Dean cocked his head and gave a discussed glance.

“Someone’s going to have to drive us home” he laughed.

Dean rolled his eyes and looked at Cas, who seemed to have panic written on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

Cas picked at his nails nervously “I don’t know what I want to drink”

“Cas you practically drank down an entire liquor store”

But still no reply.

“Okay okay, I’ll surprise you”

He strolled up to the bar, that same confident, cocky stance that he is so accustomed to, because he was used to bars, he wasn’t use to the domestic life of a stay at home carer who baked apple pies for supper.

The woman behind the bar was young, pretty, blonde waves floating down past her big beautiful-

“What can I get you hon?”

Dean was startled out of thought.

“Erm-a water and two scotches please”

The barmaid chuckles as she pulled out a glass and a bottle of scotch.

“Some poor bastard driving you home tonight”

Dean cocked his eyebrow flirtingly “Well a guy like me doesn’t drive home on a night out”

“Well give him my condolences” She smiled, placing the drinks over the bar.

*****

“So then she says ‘God dammit Jim, you left them in the oven? AGAIN?” Dean cackles.

The boys erupted with laughter and Dean had to wipe away a tear he was laughing so hard. A small group of woman giggled behind them at his joke, and Dean raised his eyebrows at Sam and swung round.

“You like that one ladies, I’ve got a whole load more if you care to join us”

They all laughed, and a tall brunette in a tight fitted peach dress spun round to face Dean.

“I’m real sorry sweetie, but we got our taxi coming any minute”

She took a moment to eye over Dean “Shame” She smirked.

Dean turned back round and Sam just shook his head and laughed.

“How-how do you do that” Cas sat in awe, finger tracing around the edge of his un-drunk glass.

“What that?” He leaned in closer as if it was top secret stuff “You godda be spontaneous, act confident and keep them on their feet, once you get boring they got better stuff to talk to. Watch”

“Excuse me, ma’am”

Another tall blonde girl in denim jeans and a red crop top turned and smiled sweetly down at Dean.

“My friend over here is a little shy, but he tells me you’re really cute and he’d like to grab coffee some time…and since you’re going to be leaving us so soon, perhaps he could grab your number?”

She stopped to look over Cas, who could feel his cheeks burn red, he must of looked ridiculous.

“Sure” She smiled, pulling a pen from purse and scribbling it down on a coaster before handing it over to Dean.

She smiled at Cas, all bright and beautiful will full red lips “I’d like that”

Cas still couldn’t say anything, and Dean lay the coaster in the middle of the table. He didn’t know whether he should take it or not.

“Spontaneous” He chuckled.

He took a sip of his scotch.

“Drink up buddy, ain’t nothing makes you feel better than a strong glass of alcohol fit for a man”

Cas dipped his head and took a long sniff of the brown liquid.

“It smells like rat poison”

Dean chuckled “Come on Cas, you need to relax a little”

Cas looked at Dean reluctantly, lifting the glass to his lips and taking a small sip. He chocked and spluttered as he dropped the glass to the table. The brothers just sat and laughed as they watched him try to clear his throat, coughing more than they were recently accustomed to.

“Tastes like rat poison” He choked.

“Trust me, it gets easier from here”

Sam’s phone vibrated on the table, and as he swiped open the lock, Dean noticed the sadness that spread through his features.

“What’s up?”

“It’s Bobby” Sam replied “That Willow creature he’s been hunting, just killed a girl 4 miles from here”

Dean sighed “Sam, you’ve been through a lot, I’m sure Bobby can handle this one”

“Dean, you have no idea how powerful this thing is, it took 7 vics in the past 2 weeks”

Dean rubbed the stubble that peered from his cheek “Damn”

“Maybe we should check it out?” Cas suggested.

“No, you are on strict fun only activities”

“Maybe I should go Dean, people are dying here”

Dean sighed, he liked having his brother around, just drinking, being normal. But there was always going to be something pulling them from their quite nights.

“Sure, Bobby needs you”

Sam grabbed his coat and tucked the wooden chair under the table.

“You sure you guys are gonna be alright?”

Dean nodded “Nothing better for a man after drinking than a little fresh air. Plus it’s like what, a 20 minute walk”

Sam glared down at him.

“Mom please, we’ll be fine”

Sam chuckled and left for the door, and even though he was sad to see his brother leave, he knew he’d be home in a few days.

“Another drink?” Dean asked.

“No thank you Dean, I feel like my insides are burning away”

“Come one” Dean laughed “I’ll get you another”

*****

By the time they were finally asked to leave the bar at 2am, Dean couldn't tell left from right. He had to focus on pronouncing ‘Thank you’ as he stumbled out the door, and his lips and tongue felt numb.

Cas wasn't much better, the scotch had grown on him and he struggled to stand, bouncing off the pillar as he fell into it in fits of laughter, coughing into his fist.

“So” He mumbled “Which was-way is the home”

Dean walked into the open air, spinning round loosely and pointing in every direction.

“It’s-it’s that way I think”

They stumbled down streets, only a few street lamps to light the dark night that fell across them like thick fog.

“Hey Cas” Dean murmured “Wh-what was it like, being an angel”

Cas laughed into Dean’s shoulder “Freaking awesome”

Dean burst out laughing and almost lost his footing on the sidewalk, and Cas wrapped his arm around him to steady him.

“Hey” Dean shouted, and Cas hushed him “Go down tha alley, it’s a shortcut”

It was dark and not at all lit, but if it took less time for the cold to start itching at their skin they would take it.

“Dean?” He could see Cas’ silhouette faintly in the dark “Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something?”

A strong impulse surged through Dean, one that seemed to knock his sense of intoxication and dizziness to one of pure intention and need, and before Cas could ask him if he had heard him, his hands clamped round Cas’ wrists and pinned him to the wall, and his lips crashed onto the angels.

He didn’t feel any resistance, because ever drunk in a dark alley, Dean had morals. But Cas seemed to lean into it, each kiss hungrier than the last, and Dean couldn’t stop his hips from grinding into Cas’ tight black pants, and Cas hitched out a little moan.

He wanted to tear Cas apart, right there in that alley, he wanted to leave him quivering in his post-orgasm with bite marks and bruises. He wanted to pin him to that wall and fuck him like-what the fuck was he thinking.

He pulled away, horror hitting his face just like the realisation of what he had done. But Cas’ face was soft, lips parted as if he wanted more. It settled something in Dean, but he needed to get Cas home. Get him safe.

“Come on, it’s getting to cold outside”

Cas smiled, and slumped himself off the wall.

“To home” He laughed.

 


	7. Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean decide that a movie night is on the cards. But Dean can't shake the kiss, and something within him calls out to Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't know: They are watching 'The Woman in Black' and Dean simply makes a joke about Harry Potter, Cas doesn't become terrified by kids waving around wands!

For the first time, Dean woke quite late into the morning, the sun beaming up from the sky and lighting the cabin up with a warm glow. He stretched every muscle in his body, the sofa finally feeling soft and bearable. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat up, the last embers burning from the fire the night before. He listened to see if Cas was stirring, but he heard nothing. He needed coffee, an open window or something, so he stood and that’s when it hit him, the biggest fucking headache he had ever felt.

“This is gonna be a fun day” He groaned, grabbing his head.

He shuffled over to the sink, his mouth was dry and he could taste stale alcohol, so he poured two glasses of water and headed to Cas’ open door. If Dean was feeling it, he felt Cas might need a bucket.

“Hey Cas, wake up”

He placed the water on the bedside table, and Cas groaned and turned over, his sleepy eyes slowly opening. Dean glanced over him, he had been sweating in his sleep again, and the news said temperatures were falling to 37°F. His face had seemed to have grown paler and his eyes still looked tired and drained, but he still glared up at Dean and smiled.

“Good morning”

“How you feeling?”

Cas coughed into the covers, the essence of it becoming more aggressive and raw.

“I’m fine”

Dean brushed the hair from the angel’s forehead, and he didn’t seem to protest. His eyes were still glazed and dull, and Dean’s heart dropped. Yesterday it was looking like Cas was recovering; he looked like shit, but he could stand and walk and hold a conversation. Today it looked like just opening his eyes threw his body into complete exhaustion.

“Well, I did have a whole load of activities planned for today”

Cas groaned and Dean chuckled.

“Please Dean, not today”

“We’ll have a day in then, order food, watch a movie?”

Cas smiled and tucked the covers under his chin.

Dean grabbed a wet cloth and soothed Cas’ forehead, and checked over his wounds, tracing the bruises with his finger.

“Your actually getting better Cas I think maybe it won’t-“

“Dean”

Dean looked up and there was a stern look set in Cas’ face, a one of dominance and assertion, and Deans stomach flipped.

“It is already done, you know that”

Dean rose from the mattress and began to cross the room, the anger already flush in his cheeks.

“You can fight it Cas, that’s what you promised me. Are you fighting?”

He stood with his back turned, because looking over Castiel’s weak and frail body only proved his point more.

“Dean…about last night, in the alley”

He froze, the memories hitting him so hard he found it hard to breath. The alley, in the dark; pinning Castiel to that wall and the need to be close to him, to feel his hot breath hit his lips. Fuck- he grinded into Cas, he remembered grinding his hips into the angels and hearing the most amazing moan he had ever heard.

“Forget it…we were drunk”

Cas fell silent.

“Now get up, it’s about time you took a shower”

*****

“Popcorn. Check. Random abundance of unhealthy candy. Check. Beer. Check”

“Dean please” Cas interrupted “I don’t think I can drink alcohol ever again”

Dean laughed and took a seat beside Cas, who had took It upon himself to gather every blanket and quilt they could find and concocted a nest for them to huddle in.

“Cas it’s like 1000° out there, we don’t need blankets”

But he shook his head in protest. “I heard that movie night must consist of blankets and popcorn. Open a window if you must”

Defeated Dean bundled himself over the mountains of blankets, and he suddenly realised how close he was to Cas, and something uneasy shifted in him.

“So, now to pick a film, Sam has hundreds of them that he downloaded on his laptop”

“Dean!” Cas gasped as Dean grabbed the laptop from the table.

“What?”

“That’s…illegal”

Dean laughed and rolled his eyes at the angel’s innocence.

“Dude, we do credit card fraud in order to afford this stuff, it’s not downloading that’s going to land us in prison”

He didn’t even know what kind of film Cas would enjoy. A comedy? A romantic film? An action film? And that’s when an idea struck him, and he couldn’t hold back the sly, cunning smirk that left his lips.

They opened all the windows and closed all the curtains, Dean explaining it would ‘add atmosphere’. He didn’t tell Cas what the film was, said he wanted to surprise him, and Cas reluctantly bundled into his comfort blankets with Dean and grabbed the popcorn.

*****

The man gingerly walked up to the fogged glass pane, and even through blankets Dean could feel Cas’ whole body tense, as cruel as it was he couldn’t help but smile. Cas’ eyes were fixed to the TV as if he couldn’t look away even if he wanted too. He seemed so enthralled, so alive for the first time since they got here, and Dean’s heart fluttered slightly.

The man pressed his hand up to the glass, and suddenly a hand jumped at him from the other side followed by a blood curdling scream, and Cas almost hit the ceiling.

“Dean!” He shrieked, burying his face into the covers that lay above Dean’s lap.

“This was such a good idea” He laughed, and Cas shook his head in protest.

“I don’t like this Dean, it’s making my body want to curl up in a ball and hide”

“It’s called being scared now stop being such a bitch and watch Harry Potter do stupid things”

Reluctantly Cas pried himself up and glanced back up at the TV.

“Can I at least stay beside you to hide, in case…I get this feeling again?”

Dean’s throat turned dry at the question, this isn’t what two friends did on movie night. This is what couples did when they wanted an excuse to cuddle up. Butterflies sparked inside him, he had to set this straight, I mean I’m sure Cas was just being completely innocent and naive like usual. But Dean had to set the record straight.

“Sure”

He wanted to physically punch himself in the face.

But Cas leant his head attentively on Deans shoulder, and all the voices inside his head told him that this was a bad idea, an uncomfortable idea; and all the red lights were going off. Yet he lay his head to rest on Castiel’s.

Throughout the rest of the film, Dean was grabbed, nuzzled, and scared shitless by Cas’ random outbursts and yelps. He simply laughed and squeezed Cas’ arm to comfort him. At least Dean wanted it to be comforting. But somehow he felt like it was much more, he was relaxed, cuddled up to the angel under a mound of blankets. Even though the voice in his head kept the alarm bells ringing, it seemed so natural to just wrap his arm around Castiel and pull him in, bury his face into his hair and just hold him. It was a desperate battle, but as the credits rolled, Dean was struck out of thought as Castiel removed himself from Dean’s side, leaving a cold and distant space.

“That was…strangely pleasant. I feel alive” He smiled.

‘ _He looks so beautiful’_ Dean thought.

He really did, at that moment’ in the dark. With only the light from the TV to capture the blue in his eyes and the smile nipping at his cheeks; his messy hair. He didn’t want to leave this moment, he wanted to remain here for the rest of forever, just looking at the angel.

“Dean?”

Dean smiled, he wanted Cas back in his warmth, he wanted to grab Cas and throw him on top of him and feel the warmth of his lips again.

“Are we watching another? Another one like that?”

A spark of adrenaline shot through him, because another horror would mean he could feel Cas against him.

“Sure, why don’t we watch saw. I think you’ll enjoy those” He teased.

Cas gave him a teasing look, the look that sent arousal surging through him, but Cas just laughed; Dean hoping it was not at the flush appearing on his cheeks.

“Saw it is then”

The film began and Cas’ shoulder was pressed against Dean’s, and Dean felt glued to the spot, because moving might mean Cas would move too.

_‘Fucking Christ Dean’ h_ e thought ‘ _You’re like a fucking school girl’_


	8. Remember What You Did

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas head into town for a treat, but Cas runs into an angel; and he must finally realise what he has done.

Dean’s eyes stung as his phone woke him, the sudden glare of the TV bright and raw as he opened his eyes.

“Hello” he answered.

“Hey Dean it’s Sam”

Dean rubbed his eyes, wedging the phone between his ear and shoulder.

“Hey Sammy, how’s the hunt going?”

He could hear Bobby shuffling in the background, and the sound of pages being turned. He wished he could be there now, back in the hunt, keeping occupied.

“It’s a dead one Dean, I mean this thing practically doesn't exists. The only thing we've managed to dig up on it is that the originated in Britain, posing as lamps in heavy forests to lure travellers where they would consume energy from its victim”

“Have you checked Dad’s journal?” Dean thought hard, but he couldn't remember anything on this creature, it was all but new to him.

“A small section, mainly just repeating what I already know. By the sounds of it he never found one, but check this out”

He could hear Sam reaching for the journal across the table and pulling it to him, and then the sound of the old fragile pages slowly being turned.

“Here ‘A buddy of mine came across one of these, and claimed that it is known to have very little weaknesses. If you’re even unfortunate to stumble across one of these monstrous creatures, try using Iron as it can still be classed as a spirit. He tells me we lost Owen that night. He was one of our best. Hunt this thing with caution’”

“Even dead Dad still isn't much help” Dean chuckled.

“Dean!”

Sam’s words sounded harsh, so Dean rolled his eyes and continued playing Sam’s little nerd game.

“Bobby found anything better?”

Sam sighed “Not yet. How you two doing?”

Dean didn't even look down at Cas until that question, and maybe he should have been uncomfortable when he realised the angel was cuddled into his side, head resting against his chest. Instead, Dean simply removed some hair from his damp forehead and smiled.

“We’re doing great…he’s doing great. We had a movie day, he was tired today you know”

Even though Dean couldn't see his brother on the other end of the phone, he could tell he was doing that sympathetic little smile he does when he hears Dean happy. But this time Dean didn't mind, because he was happy, and he wasn't ashamed of that; he was passed that.

“Good, I’ll leave you two too it then”

Dean closed his eyes and shuffled down until he was more comfortable.

“Okay, you need any help you ring me okay”

“Okay” Sam laughed.

Dean wasn't sure who hung up first, but the phone was placed on the arm of the chair and his attention was captured by Cas’ face.

He didn't know whether it was true, or whether Dean was just telling himself what he wanted to hear; but Castiel did look better. He was still a pasty white, and the sweat still lay across his forehead. But he no longer shook when he slept, and the purple seemed to have seeped from his eyes leaving only red. He’d liked to think in his feeble attempt to show Cas a life he doesn't even believe in himself it might actually be working. That he’s keeping to his promise of showing him the better things in life.

“Dean!” Cas shot up from his lap, panting and looking around for the hunter frantically.

“Wow Cas I'm here”

He placed an arm tentatively on his shoulder.

As soon as it had begun Cas turned round and smiled, his breaths calming as if he wasn't aware of what just happened.

“Water” he choked, trying to wet his pallet with his tongue.

Dean was up and at the sink filling a glass, and Cas seemed to perk up even more as he drank.

*****

When they finally drew the curtains and let in some light, they were surprised to find that they had spent almost 6 hours watching films. It was just coming up too 6pm, and Dean’s stomach rumbled as he drew the last curtain.

“You wanna head into town and grab something to eat? I’ll order us a cab from the bar”

Cas looked up from the tassel he was playing with on the end of one of the blankets he was bundled up in. “Yeah, that would be nice” he smiled.

*****  
Dean craved something fattening, a burger maybe. A steak? The town was small and mostly dead, but the line of restaurants stretched down a whole street, and Dean was spoilt for choice.

“What you feeling Cas?” Dean asked as he took in the scent of a fast food Chinese store.

“I'm feeling happy, and I think its hunger that I'm feeling” he mumbled, confused as his stomach rumbled at him again.

Dean laughed “No, what are you feeling food wise. Your choice, anything you want”

They passed an old fashioned diner complete with the classic red and white interior and car registration plates lined across the wall.

“I don’t know, I've never really tasted a wide variety of food” He looked at Dean “I will just have to trust your judgement”

They turned the corner where another few restaurants were located, and suddenly Castiel froze, ridged.

“Cas?” Dean watched as horror and panic took over him.

“Castiel?” A voice trailed off in the distance.

As Dean turned, a young blonde woman stood just down the street, her clothes scruffy and old. Her hair was pinned back, but it was dry and tatted, and a large purple bruise settled on her cheek.

“Ophiel?”

“What you know her?”

Dean looked between them confused, both looking at each other with horror and anger and he had no idea what was going on.

The woman stormed over to Castiel, heels clattering against the pavement as she approached.

“How could you” She spat, taking a hand and slapping Castiel to the ground.

“Hey!” Dean warned protectively, helping Cas to hit feet.

“Ophiel I-“

“No Castiel” she interrupted “We put our faith in you, and now my brothers and sisters have fallen, and you are nowhere to be found.”

She rolled up the sleeves of her sweater to reveal bruises covering her skin.

“I have been beaten, mugged, and I have nowhere to go”

She paused, as if finally noticing how ill Castiel looked that she had missed in her fit of rage.

“We trusted you Castiel, and now I'm scared and alone”

She almost seemed desperate, and Dean’s heart did reach out to her; he knew what it was like to be living with nothing.

“I'm sorry Ophiel, if there were something I could do I would, but it seems we are all alone now; I don’t know what to do this time”

Tears bubbled in her eyes, and she smiled.

“You are no angel Castiel. You are no family”

Cas seemed to stumble back on her words, and Dean needed to get him out of there, because this was going to ruin everything.  He reached into his wallet and pulled out the $50 he had taken to give him and Cas a real treat.

“Here”

He handed her the money.

“Take this and get some food, find a motel to stay in for the night”

He looked at the broken angel beside him.

“Cas can’t help you any more”

She took the money and looked over Castiel with pure disgust, and the boys watched as she walked away and disappeared round the corner.

“I want to go home” Cas gritted through his teeth.

Dean looked to see every muscle in the angels body tense, as if he was confronted by his worst fear. His hands were trembling slightly, and his chest heaved heavily.

“Yeah. Bitch took most of my money so it looks like a cheap take out and a cab home. Women eh” he smiled.

But Cas’ eyes were fixed on the end of the street.

“Come on then” Dean soothed, placing a hand on Cas’ back “Let’s go home”

They ordered cheap Chinese take out, and Dean ordered a taxi. Cas didn't speak a word, nor did he stop trembling or breathing as if he had just ran 10 miles. Dean tried to use witty humour to lighten the mood, but Cas didn't seem to be listening, rather staring out into the space in front with wide and tired eyes.

As Dean opened up the cabin door and walked over to set the food on the table, he knew he had to talk about this. In a way he was furious. He had made so much progress with Cas, he was afraid that after this they would be back to square one, and he wasn't sure how much time he had. As much as he hated soppy talks, he knew he had to try and soothe Cas; make it sound okay and tell him to forget about the angels, because there no longer his problem. He’s with Dean now.

He took a breath.

“Cas, I know-“

As he turned Cas was there, lips on Deans as his hips were pinned to the table by Cas’. Their lips fit so perfectly together, Dean’s teeth grazing over Cas’ bottom lip teasingly. Cas’ fingers climbed up his neck and into his hair, and Dean became swept up in the moment that just felt so right. It was like that night in the alley, their kisses hungry and desperate, lost in the moment of ecstasy and adrenaline. Dean’s fingers clawed at the fabric of Cas’ shirt, and ground his hips into the angels.

Castiel pulled away from the kiss, that same moan from the alley leaving him. He opened his eyes to look at Dean, hunger and need burned into them.

“Fuck me” he ordered.

 

 

 


	9. Closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel finally faces up to what he has done, and even the smallest gesture can at least save one angel.

Dean stirred under the blanket, every part of him warm and relaxed. His clothes lay scattered across the floor, along with Cas’ shirt and jeans.

“You wanna tell me where that came from?” he smiled, looking down at the angel who had his head rested on Dean’s chest.

“It was, spontaneous”

This wasn’t Deans first time with a guy. Growing up without parents and getting away with age in bars meant a lot of his years on the road were spent experimenting, But this was different, being with Cas. He didn’t just enjoy the sex, he enjoyed the touching, and the feeling of skin brushing against his, and for the first time he didn’t want to say a quick goodbye and leave like he was so accustomed too. He wanted to stay right there, with Cas.

“It was nice” Dean grinned, combing his fingers through the angel’s hair.

Cas nuzzled his head into Deans chest, and for a while they just lay there in silence. Both of them just enjoying the feeling of each other. Dean’s mind went blank as he played with Cas’ curls in his fingers.

“Dean?”

Dean hummed in acknowledgment, words proving to exhausting for how relaxed he was.

“I have strong feelings towards you”

Deans slumped up to meet Cas’ face, he wasn’t sure if it was the after sex flush, but he definitely had some colour in his cheeks. His eyes were looking brighter, still glassy, but a brighter and stronger blue. Everything about him captivated Dean, and he almost lost himself, but Cas’ worried glare pulled him back into reality.

“What do you mean strong feelings?”

Cas picked at the blankets.

“Whenever your around, I feel the need to be close to you; and I have strong urges to touch you and-“

His words were stopped as Dean kissed him gently.

“I know what you mean Cas”

But his words only seemed to get Castiel more riled up and anxious, twisting the blanket in his finger.

“But it’s not fair to you. How could I ever-how could we ever when soon I might not be here?” He looked up at Dean in desperation. “It’s not fair Dean”  


He trailed the back of his hand up the angel’s cheek.

“You’re getting better, you’re fighting Cas”

He felt the angel lean into the touch. “You’re fighting and it’s all going to be okay”

He was swept up by Cas’ lips, and Dean lay them down again. He didn’t want to think about the future. He wanted to be here with Cas forever. Because being there relaxed the tense feeling he kept inside him. Part of it thought it was the worry of Cas’ health and Sam. But being there and made him realise that maybe this was what was trying to escape from him. That this is what Dean had been calling out for all along, and now he was here, naked under blankets just feeling. His fingers trailed down the angels back, every inch of him rising up to Deans touch, and Dean felt like going for round two.

 *****

“So what have you got planned today?”

Dean pulled his shirt over him. He hadn’t even thought about what they were going to do that day. He was so swept up in how good yesterday felt, watching TV with Cas cuddled up to him, it was everything he was craving and needing.

“What do you want to do?”

He watch the angel stand a while, thinking. He was pleased that he was thinking, because there was a time only a few weeks ago he would have shut down at the question.

“I would like to go back to the city”

“But Cas, you could run into angels”

He looked up at Dean, with the smallest glimmer of the look he used to give. The look of taking control and being the born leader he is.

“I know, and although I cannot change what I have done, I can still help her”

  *****

Dean passed the cash over to the cab driver and watched as he sped away. The day was cloudy, but the air was hot and thick, and Dean couldn’t help but laugh as Cas took off down the street in the green palm tree shorts he made him wear.

“Hey wait up” He laughed.

The town was empty, only a few people making their daily commutes. Yet Castiel was on a mission, his whole body on high alert, eyes scanning all the backstreets and side alleys, and Dean wanted to be supportive, but he doubted from the beginning they would successfully find her.

“Cas, we don’t even know if she’ll be here”

Cas stopped abruptly. “What if she’s dead Dean, what if something bad happened to her and all I did was walk away”

“Hey” Dean pulled Cas into him by his hips, the hot breath on his face leaving the hair on the back of his neck standing. “This is not your fault, girl was a bitch anyway”

But Cas just shook his head. “No, we have no keep looking”

He took off down the street, and Dean sighed.

The town was small but they must have lapped it about 7 times, and Dean’s stomach began to rumble. The air catching his breath and leaving his skin sticky.

“Hey Cas, you wanna stop for something to eat?”

The angel stopped a few paces in front of him, his chest heaving. “Yeah, I’m famished”

He turned to face the hunter, defeated and exhausted, and Dean had to smile at his efforts.

He brushed some hair from his forehead “We’ll keep looking after” and the angel nodded.

Suddenly a cough came from the alley adjacent to them, and the both jumped at the sound. They weren’t sure it was real at all until I came again, stronger and more aggressive.

They had to go see what it was, and Dean couldn’t help but think this is probably why they get into the situations they do. But Cas seemed to be pulled to it. The alley was clouded with a thin layer of smoke from the restaurants, littered with garbage bags and dumpsters. It was hard to make out a petite blonde woman shivering between two bags.

“Ophiel?”  

She must have been sobbing into herself, because when she looked up the dirt on her face highlighted her tears, and the mascara left her eyes black and dull.

“Castiel” She smiled.

“What happened to you?”

She flinched “I did what you said, got a room for the night” She shot her look to the ground, ashamed, embarrassed. “But it ran out and I had nowhere else to go, no one would help me these-these people, cruel and selfish and” She looked back up at Cas “Please Castiel, I’m scared”

Dean watched as Cas extended out his hand and helped her up before digging into his back pocket and pulling out his credit card.

“Here, take it”

She looked at him confused.

“Take it and leave the city, find more angels, stay together. Keep safe.”

She took the card and nodded obediently.

“Okay, thank you Castiel, thank you”

They exchanged a brief and awkward hug before she took off down the street. Dean had no idea what she was going to do, the next town from here was a world away, but if it gave Cas closure then he would stand and smile.

“That was real good of you Cas” He turned to face the angel.

“I hope she does better than me, she was always kind and caring”

“And you’re saying you’re not” Dean laughed, scooping Cas into him and kissing his forehead.

“Come on, you need to have fun remember. We’re going to the beach”


End file.
